its so spontaneous.. a reaction so recognisable, its really unmistakeable.. so unmistakeable that you don't need to think or ask yourself twice whether you really found a soulmate.. you just know when you're in love.. how, you may ask? you know when you're in love when the sight of that very special person makes your heart either skip a beat or beat a thousand times faster.. you know you're in love when you feel that you want to make that person the happiest one alive.. you know you're in love when you hold that person's hand, you tend to sweat ( i know its kinda gross in a way... ) from the utter nervousness and joy of being this close.. you know you're in love when you walk in the mall aimlessly, side by side, hand in hand, because you'd wanna stay in that position forever, basking in the pleasure of each other's company.. you know when you're in love when you find yourself unknowingly staring akwardly at that person, because you feel that the person is indeed the most precious, and perfect creation in the universe and beyond.. you know you're in love when think about that person the whole day, from the time you open those eyes till the time you shut them..

those are really how i feel when i meet my baby.. hmmm.. i hear you ginny.. i really want to meet her more, talk to her more, bond our relationship in steel so strong its unbreakable... and most of all, i just wanna know her more.. it really seems like i've known her so well, and yet thinking again, i'm just tapping the surface of her vivid personality..

its really not that i don't want to see her.. heck if i really could, i would wanna be beside her all the time.. everything she does i wanna help, every second i wanna be standing there next to her, just enjoying her company... well, i know i can't actually do that.. it'll be more like being a stalker more than that of a boyfriend.. anyway, coming back.. i want to go out with her.. its just that maybe this year, the time factor has a big influence on things.. you know, studies come first.. i want the best for her, therefore i don't wanna pressure her to go out.. and i know that she can't so maybe thats why sometimes i don't bother asking.. i really really want her to succeed in her life.. if the way to go is not to bother her, i won't.. sometimes i tell myself that the saying "to love a person, doesn't mean having them.." is so true.. when you love a person, you just want the best for them.. even if it means suffering for yourself in order to achieve it.. and that in a way is how i try to do things.. i don't know if its right.. but if she's happy, i'll be happy too, even though i can't be with her.. don't get me wrong, i don't wanna break it up.. i NEVER want to..

but then again, even though my conscience is telling me that putting her and her studies as the main priority is the right way to go.. my other devil side of my conscience says otherwise.. its just that sometimes i get frustrated.. frustrated that things aren't working out the way it should be.. and sad that in spite of all i do to try to make her happy, i'm always not good enough.. i feel so lonely, and sorta shunned away from everyone.. even her.. and wad i want really isn't much.. just a message or a call saying that my efforts are recognized.. that i'm important in somebody's life.. just a tease or a anything to make me laugh or smile.. i really think i'm a simple guy.. i'm not those people who demand constant attention.. or those who forbid their girlfriends from talking to other guys, let alone looking a them.. or those who are so jealous that every boy who tries to strike a conversation with their girl is accused of trying to "steal" her away... i'm not like that.. i know how bad it would feel if i was their girlfriends.. being constraint to the nets and fences set by their caring boyfriends.. i hate to control her.. so is what i'm asking too much to give? by saying that, it's almost as if i'm really trying to FORCE her to do it.. but actually, i just want to know how she feels bout me and us.. whether she really loves me..
the reply i get: i dunno..

i really need to know because my heart needs to feed on the emotional gains i get from loving her.. i need to feel loved myself in order to love.. isn't that the logical way to see it? i don't know how much longer i can stand to tell myself that i truly love her and then getting hit by a thought asking what is this relationship going to bring me? happiness? comfort? security? content? not at the moment.. it really isn't..

i guess i'll ask her out again.. or maybe i'll wait for her to ask me out.. since i won't know when she's free.. maybe i'll wait for her to call instead, cause again, i don't wanna be calling in the middle of revision.. and maybe, all this will be fixed.. maybe this, maybe that.. hmmm.. that word's been playing in my head for a long time..
one thing's for sure though.. if it ain't solved, it'll continue to slide down into oblivion..

wanna know a sorta fact?.. i know that love can't be judged, compared, or be put into numbers and figures... but on a scale from 1~20, my relationship is now at a critical 8.. going down by the minute.. i really want to save this.. but i can't unless she figures her heart out first..

hmmm.. i've revealed more than i should and i really won't blame her for feeling angry at me because i'm making it public.. i know i would be.. but i also know that i would realise that i really gotta do something if i still love my baby.. and to stop the suffering he's going through..

(PS: i've broken a promise by typing this out.. i promised her i would sleep before 12, as the last few days, the maximum number of hours i've slept is 4.. well, its a gamble i took.. let's see what's the outcome.. and lady luck has never been shining down on my gambling skills.. oh well.. we'll see.. and i'm sorry for the promise.. it'll be done tomorrow..)