TRUE - Ryan Cabrera

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me
You might think I don't look
But deep inside the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
[mmmm..]
I'm weak, it's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You don't know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak, it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

this song has been playing on my computer for a long long time.. hmmm.. maybe it's because it really has a sentimental value to me.. i mean.. do you ever experience times when you hear a song and like realise that what it says is EXACTLY how you feel at the moment.. well, this song totally is.. hmmm... let's just say i havent' been in the joyous mood these few days..

since i really have so much spare time, i've been thinking a lot you know.. been thinking bout myself and how have i been doing so far as a human being generally, a son, a student, a boyfriend.. you know, what are my achivements, my failures and really suprisingly, i've come to hate myself more.. detest how i've evolved mentally.. especially now.. when life bores me.. i'm staying at home idling my time away, i lost my contact mith my friends, i'm living a monotonous life for crying out loud.. and the saddest thing of all, my love life.. it isn't doing too well i suppose.. but i don't know whether i should talk about this.. hmmm.. decisions decisions...

there are many questions that remains unsolved, the type of questions you simply cannot answer, unless you ARE Bruce Almighty-like.. the sort of questions in that category is like... err.. let's see.. like why the sky is blue?; what is the meaning of life?; does god really exist?; who really is santa claus?; what is the meaning of the world's most famous 4 lettered word? and i don't mean f**k okay... as in what is the meaning of LOVE??? for centuries, man (and women alike) have been comtemplating on that very question.. so.. what really is love? is it:

1. a feeling of care, fondness, and the desire to make the one happy?.. OR
2. a lustful and naive sense of affection towards a member of the opposite gender (or the same.. in some cases).. OR
3. a reaction caused by the excretion of adrenelin, when your heart beats faster and faster when seeing him/her?.. OR
4. a sort of wanting to give the best of the best to the person you like and making sure that everything is perfect in their lives, regardless of anytihng that happens to you, be it death?.. OR
5. is it all the above?

hmmm... if i really had the answer, i would be sitting atop a cold mountain, in a meditation position, having rags taking the place of my clothes, with my hair ruffled and beard all long and snow white.. what i would give to have the answer.. it really could solve all my problems.. i mean, if i truly had an answer, i would be filthy rich.. as in rich in $$$.. but that's not what i want.. what i want is a sense of security, a bond so strong it would take the might of Zeus to bend it.. unbreakable.. if i had the answer, i would be able to help my other half be aware of her true feelings.. if i had the answer... thats a BIG if...

you see, what i really want now is someone i can really be with.. a person who understands me, who i can relate to, who cares when the world shuns me away, who makes me laugh and smile when the whole universe is sad and lonely, who can bring out the sun when the storm threatens to come.. yeah, i know what you're thinking.. that's a whole lot to ask from a person.. well, is it? hmmm.. i guess i'll never be able to find a person who truly understands me.. no one does, not even myself, that's why i HATE me so much.. all this anger, dissapointment, sadness, lonliness, its building in me like a sleeping volcano, a volcano so big that it'll erupt any moment, causing total destruction.. destruction of MYSELF.. i'm really scared, truly afraid..

yes, i'm going to admit a thing so unlikely of me, a person who's mostly, 97.3% of the time happy, joyous and so carefree.. i'm admitting that i'm actually a person who conceals all he feels, sees, thinks.. the real life Phantom.. yes, even the name fits, Erik.. apart from the letter k, i'm no different.. i want to be accepted, but i'm misunderstood.. that's why i live my life under the shadow of my mask.. my mask of happiness.. all the worries, all the building pressure to be the best i possibly can.. its really taking its toll.. only 2 people in the world know what i'm about to say.. one of them is me, the other, my ex-half.. i bet that everyone of you reading this cannot tell that i was once suicidal could you? i think not..

why am i like this, you may ask? well, the question i'm asking is why god is so darned UNFAIR to me?!!! i really can't take it anymore.. let's start from form 3..

• when i was transferred from 3G to 3S, i really thought that the heavens were shining down on me.. why? because i was at last going to the same class as the love of my life at that time.. (i won't say names but my friends reading will know who..) i was euphoric.. but fate would have it that she would be going to Aussie only 6 months in the realtionship that i know was blossoming better than a rose in spring.. why was the timing so "PERFECT"!! i'm still wondering...
• fast forward 2 years later and i'm again living in singles-ville again.. and then, just when i'm dreading the forthcoming exam, the perfect angel floats into my heart.. i was entranced by her.. truly, when i thought i had lost all hope on love, i just, really, bumped back into it.. by the stroke of, yet again, fate, i met her.. i won't explain how, but it was really fate.. well, i was into my final year in school, and she was in form 2.. and because i met her in the latter stages of the year, i only got to see her in school for the most a month and a half more.. but we progressed adn finally we were together.. wee, the hols came for her, so i was limited to seeing her only when we got the chance to go out.. because of the exams... i didn't go out.. and so, in that month of november, i only saw her like twice.. can yuo tell me that is good for a relationship? and it was still a raw relationship.. so the question i was asking myself, why why why why why didn't i meet her earlier? why why why why didn't i try when i had the chance?? i'm still rueing my missed chances...
• now that the exams had finished.. i thought i finally could spend a little time with her and really get closer to her.. and i did.. in the beginning.. we went to prom, went for movies.. and then she had to go to school again.. then as it was a crucial year.. i couldn't see her again as much as i would like.. i'll let you in on a fact.. since the 18th of december 2004, i've only met her a couple of times.. and for your info, those meetings were only for 10 minutes MAX.. a twist of fate again?.. or my misdoings?? whichever the two, i still regret always..
• the worst of all problems.. NATIONAL 'f**king ' SERVICE. i won't hide it.. i won't conceal how much i loathe, detest, hate, national service (and that includes every negative feeling possible..) i really don't wanna explain on this.. but as fate has it, i would be gone for another 3 months, and another 3 months without seeing her..

is it really fair??... you tell me... hmm.. i'm resigned to the fact that i don't know how much longer i'll last.. how much longer this sick life is going to torture and push me to the limit.. this is my first blog entry in a week plus.. and that's whats been running through my head... i really love her so much, so much so that there's no word to describe, no unit to measure how much my feelings are for her.. i really don't want to lose the best thing in my life for over 2 years.. and if she's reading this.. i hope she'll know that forever.. my blogger profile gave me this question

Q: The love potion you made tastes terrible. How will you drink it?

and this is how i answered it..

A: Love is always bittersweet... Its just deciding which side to taste... And i guess i'm tasting the best part...

i want her to know that she's the reason for everything i do, the reason i can open my eyes in the morning.. i love you..