hmmm.. another few days pass by.. counting down to the dreaded 14th of march.. hmmm.. the end really is looming.. arrgghh!!! i don't wanna go!.. hmmm.. these few days, i've been occupying my mind by thinking what will happen during the 3 months that i'll be gone.. what repercussions will ensue in my absence.. but mainly i think about whether this outing will affect my love..

crap.. it just takes away my mood thinking about it.. last night i wanted to go to bed at around 10... cause i know i had to rise early.. for my medical checkup before going to NS.. but before going to bed, i wanted to call her ler.. hmmm.. turned out she just got home from her sis's camp.. so in the end cannot call lo.. she was having dinner then also ler.. hmmmm.. then as i lay on my bed, looking at the ceiling.. i kept thinking and thinking of what will happen in the camp, what will happen here in KL.. thinking will i be missed? will i be thought of, even if its once a week.. thoughts can be hazardous actually.. i know what you're thinking now.. you're thinking "gosh, you're only going to be gone for 3 months.. that will like be only 0.003% of your whole life.. you're not going to be gone forever.. geeezzz..." but actually, that actually reflects what i think.. hmmm.. i really feel as though this 3 months will signal the start of the end for a lot of things in my life.. i'm really afraid to lose things.. lose people.. i hate to lose...

you know, its funny.. remember when i was really down.. really torn apart by the status of my relationship.. and when i wrote all my emotions, thoughts and anything about the relationship in this very blog?.. hmmm.. i realised later that i was over that phase.. i was free from feeling shitty and always worrying bout the end.. and i really was.. but maybe only til now.. there were times where i couldn't see her for long long times, say a week or 2.. and i would feel lonely and sad.. but these few days, it's kinda changed.. i haven't seen her from last friday.. so that makes like 4 days not even catching a glimpse of her.. but somehow, i feel even lonelier and more depressed.. it's like the feeling of me missing her has intensified.. 10 fold..

saturday was a really good day for me.. hmm.. although she couldn't come to km's birthday party, i felt something i never felt for a long time.. i felt that time, she really wanted to come, that she really tried to come.. hmm.. that even though she couldn't make it in person, she tried her best to come and see me.. and i was happy.. =) on saturday, i felt as though i was the closest to her in a few months.. i couldn't stop wanting to call you.. (although it cost me my credit! *bluek*) hmmm.. memories perhaps?

anyhow, i don't know what the future will bring.. nor what the past will offer me.. but i do know that although i don't have almighty powers to alter the course of fate.. i want to try to save this.. last week she messaged me when i was down.. she said that it was getting better.. and i truly believed it.. how i only wished that it would stick in my head and tell me that everything's gonna be alright..